'Drowning in Self Pity'
Urghhh it’s just some evolution for the previous drawing. A bit more disturbing though. I drew both on the same day. I think it was Friday. Yep, instead of being home with friends and family I’m stuck in my base. What’s more depressing than this?
I know many people here in Israel are suffering from serving in the army, some less some more, but very few people can say they like the army. Depression and suicide rates are quite high. It’s freaky that not a lot of people like to talk about it. When I ask people in my base if they like it here, they say “of course not!” and throw a lot of complaints about this place. But they don’t seem that troubled all the time, so either they don’t wanna talk about it or it doesn’t bother them that greatly. I find both options unbearable. I can’t be okay with it and I can’t keep it inside. It’s maddenning, to have such strong emotions all the time and take everything here so harshly. But the army brought my depression back after a long time that I fought really hard to heal myself, and the deep dark thoughts are back, and drawing’s the only thing that keeps me alive I believe. I can’t control this. It’s terrible. I don’t wanna be depressed all the time
~By the way, if this shows up on your dash and makes you feel uncomfortable please feel free to unfollow me.~
I don’t cut and never did, but I have a lot of dark, dark thoughts about self harm. I always imagined it as a relief from my emotional pain, like the cutting of my skin will be climax of all this suffering here and after that I’ll find peace. But I know that’s bullshit and that’s why I don’t intend to ever harm myself.
And yes I draw little girls pretty often though I know I’m far from being an innocent girl haha. Nothing innocent about being in a fucking army. And yeah I really like playing the victim but I gotta feed myself some lies or else I’ll lose it.
I drew this the first time I had to stay in the base for 11 days (instead of just 5) and it almost broke me. I don’t care about being away from home for so long, it’s just that this place is terrible.
Definitely been a while since I posted here.
Well ever since I joined the army things went spiraling downward for me. The army isn’t a nice place and I draw a lotta depressing shit. This drawing’s one of them. I just wanna use this blog to vent because I can’t hold anything inside anymore.
Drawing is my best way to help myself, to deal with things. It sounds really weird but a lot of times I draw weird ass stuff that come out of my subconciousness and then I meditate on what the hell I drew and what my subconcious is trying to tell me. A lot of the times it truly helps me. It will show more and more on my following pieces because it’s a progress to let go of rational thoughts while drawing.
Now for this drawing:
The military base in which I am living in most days of the week is a hellhole. On my way there in the bus I listened to The National and the lyrics really spoke to me and from that came this drawing, I guess.
This was about a month ago, and I’ve been told there’s a way I could switch to a different base. I wasn’t sure at the time because I still haven’t come to fully know what’s it like to serve at thia base, but those lyrics all of a sudden were a sign. Jump to present, still in the same base, but now I’m entirely certain I wanna get out of here, and I still have my chance.
I’m sick during Tironut and it’s some sort of hell. So… I drew how my nose feels right now